


are you a star? (because i wanna destroy you)

by l_cloudy



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack, M/M, Shit Kylo Ren Says In Bed, hux is just along for the ride, if you know what i mean, kylo ren's vader boner, sexual euphenisms of the worst kind, that's it that's the story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-08 00:19:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7735561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/l_cloudy/pseuds/l_cloudy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You know,” Ren goes on, like this is perfectly acceptable bedroom conversation. “Sometimes I think of my grandfather when we're having sex. His Force surrounding us."</p><p>In which Kylo Ren is both very enthusiastic about dirty talk and very bad at it, and Hux wonders what he's done to deserve all of this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	are you a star? (because i wanna destroy you)

Once, out of genuine curiosity, Hux finds himself asking Ren how in the name of all nine Corellian hells he’s managed to go the first twenty-eight years of his life without ever getting laid.

After all, Ren is a perfectly healthy, red blooded human male, with little to no restraint and so ridiculously highly sexed that Hux has sometimes found it challenging to keep up with him. He simply can’t imagine how Ren, the man who finds it necessary to maul him into some secluded corner like a horny teenager every time he gets a chance, managed to go almost three decades chaste and untouched like a – well, like a Jedi padawan.

When he asks Ren, he just rolls his eyes and looks at Hux with thinly-veiled condescendence. “ _Porn_ ,” he drawls, matter-of-factly. “I just masturbated a lot.”

And Hux thinks, _I should have known_.

Because the thing about Ren and sex, Hux has found, is that he learned all his lines from holoporn. And they aren’t even good lines – it seems like Ren’s taste runs towards the colourful, the odd, the absolutely distasteful. Crass words that hardly belong in a spaceport cantina, let alone in the bedroom.

The first time they fuck is a frantic, hasty affair. They’re sprawled on the dirty floor of armoury 3D – or, rather, on Ren’s undoubtedly equally dirty cloak – and Ren’s large fingers are grasping at Hux’s hips, digging into the skin, Ren’s breath hot over his stomach.

“Hux,” Ren says then. He’s panting, whimpering. “Hux. I’m gonna fuck you real good. Gonna split you open on my thick blaster, baby, so hard and good, I’m gonna make you see the Death Star, I’m gonna –”  

“Ren,” Hux chides, grabbing Ren’s oversized paw hard enough to make him pause. “ _What did you just say_?”

And Ren just – smiles, like his nonsense is perfectly normal. “‘Gonna make it good for you, baby, I promise,” he says, crawling up Hux’s body to catch his lips in a slobbering kiss. “I’ll let you come on my face, won’t you like that? Shoot your ventral cannon all over my mouth…”

And that’s– well. Hux just figures Ren inexperience made him nervous, and he forgot how to say the word ‘dick’. They’re in the armoury, after all. He probably just looked around and shouted the first words that came to his mouth. A mouth more talented that he’d expected from a virgin, it turns out, and so it’s not especially difficult to lean his head back and close his eyes, to focus on the feeling of Ren’s tongue licking a strip down his cock rather than all the idiocy he’s sprouting about Hux's proton torpedo being about to go off.

But it doesn’t stop there. It seems that Ren does indeed take his cue on his euphemism of choice for the day from the location they’re fucking in, which makes a lot more sense once Hux finds out about the porn thing. Most holoporns, he knows, are themed. And so their rendezvous in the workshop by the landing bay includes Ren promising Hux he’s “Gonna get your engine running, babe. Zero to lightspeed, in no time at all.” By now, Hux has been expecting it.

“You don’t say,” he says, flat.

Ren nods, biting his tongue, cheeks ruddy with enthusiasm. “Hey,” he asks. “Can I come inside you?”

Hux considers it. The idea is not entirely unpleasant. “If you must,” he says, and Ren’s entire face lights up.

“Great,” he says. “It’s gonna be so good, you’ll see. I’m gonna erupt in your ring of fire, gonna cram you full with my emissions, and then I’m gonna vacuum it right off you.”

“That sounds….” Hux pauses, looking for the right word. “Energetic.”

The time after that, he invites Ren to his quarters. He doesn’t have much in there that might prove conductive to any bizarre kind of conversation, he assumes – except, it turns out, a cat.

“Ngh – that’s it,” Ren moans, voice shaking. His thighs are trembling, skin salty with sweat, and Hux’s tongue is inside his ass. He still wouldn’t shut up.

“That’s it, baby – Hux you’re so good, you’re gonna make me scream. I’m going to scream so loud, I’m gonna make your pussy run away crying.”

Hux almost chokes.

“Hux,” Ren whines. “Baby, why’d you stop? My cock’s not sated yet.”

When they’re done, Hux calmly sits him down.

“Please don’t ever mention my cat during sex again,” he says. Really, he should just dump Ren – except his stamina’s incredible, and he can do that Force thing where it feels like he has six hands. And this one time Ren made him come three times in less than an hour, and he’s shredded, and has a cock that’s certainly better than those in any holoporn _Hux_ has ever watched.

He doesn’t dump Ren.

Two weeks or so later Hux finds himself on his knees on his bed, Ren’s warm weight on top of him as he moves in shallow thrusts that are starting to hit _just right_ – and Ren’s mouth at his ear, spewing nonsense. Just as usual.

“You’re beautiful,” he’s saying now, which has the effect of making Hux feel flush like he’s sure he hasn’t since his Academy years. Ren has no filter whatsoever, he probably even means it, that silly idiot.

“My pretty darling,” Ren coos. “Gonna fill you real good, you beautiful firecrotch. I know you like it. You filthy, filthy boy. You dirty bastard, you –”  

And then he just stops. He pulls out, even, just as things were getting good, which is the kind of annoying shit he would expect from Ren _outside_ the bedroom, not in it.

“Ren?” Hux asks, somewhat wary. “Is… are you alright?”

“I’m sorry,” Ren says. His voice is low, charged. Disgustingly emotional.

“What for?”

And suddenly he finds himself manhandled like a child, turned around so that he’s lying on his back, Ren’s big, liquid eyes staring down at him.

“I shouldn’t have…” Ren begins, biting his lip. “I shouldn’t have called you that. I’m sorry.”

Hux blinks, trying to understand what _the hell_ is going on now. It’s a few moments before he gets it.

“What?” He has to laugh. “I can’t believe you think I’d mind being called a bastard, Ren, honestly.”

Of all the grievances Ren caused him over the years, this is where he draws the line. Incredible.

Ren, for his part, looks relieved.

“Really?” he says, and he just shoves Hux around a bit more, without even asking. He puts Hux’s feet on his shoulders and lines their hips again so he can keep fucking him, making faces all the while. “You really don’t mind?”

“I don’t,” Hux says, again, more firmly. He can’t believe Ren is getting so hung up over this – ‘bastard’ is the most normal thing Hux has ever heard him say during sex, all things considered, and it’s an outdated, bigoted term he’s has never felt particularly threatened by at any point in his life. He’s ready to finish this here and forget the exchange ever happened, but Ren seems to have other ideas.

“But your parents weren’t married, right?” Ren continues, like this is perfectly acceptable bedroom conversation. “I’m pretty sure about that. Didn’t you tell me your mother married a speeder vendor and moved to Naboo?”

“ _Ren_.” Hux says. “Please don’t ever mention my cat _or_ my mother during sex again. Or my father. Or any of their spouses. Or their offspring.”

“If you want,” Ren says, shrugging as somebody as a man can shrug while balls deep in another person. “Sometimes I think of my grandfather when we're like this. I can feel his Force surrounding us.”

“ _Ren_ ,” Hux all but shouts, and the worst thing – the fucking worst thing – is that this is when he comes, while Ren is talking about feeling Darth Vader’s Force during sex. He brings one hand up to cover his eyes, wishing he could cry.

The weeks pass, and it doesn’t get better. It doesn’t get better at all.

Ren keeps saying whatever shit is that he likes to say – Death Stars, crotches of fire, how he’s going to fuck the Dark into him – and he says all of that with his awful, disgusting, fucking perfect bedroom voice. And, it turns out, he _likes_ Ren’s voice. He likes Ren’s voice far more than he hates everything Ren says in it, and soon enough he finds it just doesn’t feel the same when Ren is not there to tell him all about how the same hands that are wrapped around Hux’s cock have slaughtered hundreds upon the orders of Supreme Leader Snoke. When Ren’s away on missions his bed feels far too cold, and when he takes himself in hand is just not as good as Ren describing all the ways he’s going to punish his filthy Resistance scum.

Ren has _broken_ him.

And so, when Ren comes back the only thing Hux can do is have him to report to his office, as soon as possible, because if he’s developed a dependence on Ren then he’s not going to deny himself for a minute longer than necessary.

“So, basically,” Ren says. “You missed me.”

“Don’t be smug,” Hux retorts. “It’s unbecoming.”

“You missed me,” Ren says, even as he leans in closer. “You missed my tongue, I bet. I’m gonna fuck your mouth with it –”

“That’s called kissing,” Hux mutters, sarcastically, even though it’s rather hard to speak with the way Ren’s biting at his lower lip. And then Ren’s hands are on his shoulders, pushing him down until he’s sitting back in his chair, Ren kneeling in front of him.

“I’m going to get your juices going,” he promises, whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean.

“I’m sure,” Hux says. Say what you want about Ren, there’s a very good reason why Hux has suffered his nonsensical dirty talk long enough to become addicted to it. All those holoporns sure were instructive.

“I’m gonna suck the ginger out of your dick,” Ren continues. “Gonna make you come so hard you’ll see Vader’s ghost.”

“Is that a promise?” Hux hears himself say – lightly, teasing. Like he’s _into this_ , stars help him.

“I’ll show you,” Ren says, and he does. No Force ghost seems to appear, thankfully, but Ren just smirks up at him and says that it’s only a matter of time, that they clearly must keep fucking, just in case.

“Oh, well,” Hux sighs, theatrically. “If we must.”

He is, after all, very eager to find out what kind of nonsense Ren is going to come up with next.

**Author's Note:**

> ++ Inspired by [this kinkmeme prompt](https://tfa-kink.dreamwidth.org/3467.html?thread=5928331#cmt5928331) and [this headcanon post](http://sweet-refractor.tumblr.com/post/139790923280/headcanon-shit-kylo-says-in-bed) by sweet refractor. A big shoutout to [iamnumber3](https://iamnmbr3.tumblr.com/) for helping out with some stuff and also coming up with the headcanon about Hux being unable to say the words 'ventral cannon' without blushing from now on. 
> 
> ++ I'm on [tumblr](https://liesmyth.tumblr.com).


End file.
